Сергей Матвеев - Самые лучшие английские анекдоты

• Название: Самые лучшие английские анекдоты
• Автор: Сергей Матвеев
• Жанр: Анекдоты
• Год: 2015
• ISBN: 978-5-17-087613-6

Чтение шуток и занимательных историй – верный способ быстрого расширения словарного запаса и совершенствования знания английского языка.

В книжке собраны самые смешные анекдоты и шутливые рассказы, которые вызовут у вас желание побольше отводить времени изучению английского.

Тексты снабжены комментариями, в конце книги предлагаются упражнения и англо-русский словарик.

Издание рассчитано на всех, кто стремится читать на английском языке.

(CD прилагается только к печатному изданию.)

---

Employer to applicant. “In this job we need someone who is responsible.” Applicant, “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

* * *

Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.

Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home!

* * *

There is a new virus. The code name is WORK.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.

Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.

I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I’m headed for the bar anyway… it never hurts to be safe.

* * *

Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office boss called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with, “Miss Smith, I really don’t know how we’re going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we’re going to try.”

* * *

In the beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly He was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied[74] with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why He began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that He just liked to be creative.

Then God said, “Let there be light.” Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that He would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said He would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night.” Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed.” The EPA[75] agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.” Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation[76] and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said He wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10–12 months before…

At this point God created Hell.

* * *

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

* * *

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. “What is the meaning of this?” the director asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.”

“Well,” the young man replied, “in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”

* * *

“I made it all right” small boy was invited to have dinner at the home of a famous professor. When he returned, his mother asked him, “Are you sure you didn’t do anything that was not polite?”

“Why, no, nothing to speak of.”

“But did something happen?”

“Well, while I was trying to cut the meat, it slipped off to the floor. But I made it all right,” said the boy.

“What did you do?”

“Oh, I just said carelessly, ‘That’s always the way[77] with tough meat.’”

* * *

A man was having breakfast in an English hotel. He took a drink from his cup and then said to the waiter, “Is this tea or coffee?”

“Can’t you tell the difference, sir, by the taste?”

“No,” said the man. “I can’t.”

“Well,” said the waiter, “if you can’t tell the difference, what does it matter which it is?”

* * *

“Now, little boy, stick out your tongue.”

“No, I shan’t. My mother always punishes me when I stick out my tongue at home.”

* * *

“Why are you crying, Bobby?”

“I cleaned the bird cage and the bird disappeared.”

“How did you clean it?”

“With a vacuum cleaner.”

* * *

“You hammer nails like lightning.”

“Do you mean that I’m fast?”

“No, you never strike twice in the same place.”

* * *

ASSISTANT: This machine will do half your work.

CUSTOMER: All right, I’ll take two!

* * *

“You must always eat a good breakfast, so you’ll grow up quicker.”

“Not for me. If I grow up faster, I’ll get older sooner, and then I’ll have to die young.”

* * *

“I spent ten hours over my history book last night.”

“Ten hours?!”

“Yes, I left it under my bed when I went to sleep last night.”

* * *

“I’m not going to school any more.”

“Why?”

“On Monday, the teacher said 4 and 4 is 8. On Tuesday, she said 6 and 2 is 8. Today, she said 7 and 1 is 8. I’m not going back to school again until the teacher makes up her mind.[78]”

* * *

“Willie, how do you define ignorance?”

“It’s when you don’t know something and somebody finds it out.”

* * *

“If I take a potato and divide it into two parts, then into four parts, and each of the four parts into two parts, what shall I have?”

“Potato salad.”

* * *

“And has your baby learned to talk?”

“Oh, yes. We are teaching him to keep quiet now.”

* * *

A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?”

“Because they’re happy,” the mom replied.

Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do grooms wear black?”

* * *

“This is the fifth time I have punished you this week. What have you to say?”

“I’m glad it’s Friday, sir.”

* * *

“Seven cows are walking along the road in a single file. Which cow can turn around and say, “I see six pairs of horns”?”

“The first cow, of course.”

“Wrong, Bobby, cows cannot talk.”

* * *

Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I’m little Johnny.

* * *

“I can write! I can write!”

“What did you write?”

“How can I know? I can’t read.”

* * *

A man in a restaurant noticed that the waiter had brought him a cup of coffee without a spoon.

“This coffee is very hot to stir with my finger,” said the man.

Short time later the waiter came back to the table with another cup of coffee.

“Maybe this isn’t so hot, sir,” he said.

* * *

“I don’t understand why I must wash my hands before school?”

“Why not?”

“I never put them up[79] in class.”

* * *

“Miss, there is a fly in the bottom of my cup. What does that mean?”

“I don’t know! I’m a waitress – not a fortuneteller!”

* * *

MOTHER: If you wanted to go fishing, why didn’t you come and ask me first?

SON: Because I wanted to go fishing.

* * *

“What is the surest way to keep milk from souring?[80]”

“Leave it in the cow.”

* * *

LADY (seeing tug-of-war[81] for the first time): Wouldn’t it be simpler, dear, for them to get a knife and cut it?

* * *

When a young mother was bathing her baby, a neighbour’s little girl came in and watched it. The girl was holding a doll without an arm and a leg.

“How long have you had your baby?” she asked the mother.

“Three months,” answered the mother.

“My, but you’ve kept her nice![82]” exclaimed the little girl.

* * *

“What are you doing up in that tree, boy?”

“One of your apples fell down, and I’m trying to put it back.”

* * *

“Aren’t ants strange little things? They work and work, and never play.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that. Every time when I go on a picnic, they are always there.”

* * *

Teaсher: Can anyone tell me what a fishing-net is made of?

Pupil: It’s made of many little holes tied together with a string.

* * *

Man: (to the station-master): when does the next westbound train arrive?

Master: at 3 p. M.

Man: and the next eastbound train?

Master: at 4 p. M.

Man: and the next northbound train?

Master: arrives at 6 p. M.

Man: and the southbound train?

Master: oh, it left two hours ago.

Man: well, i guess it’s safe to cross the tracks now.

* * *

“Why is your dog watching me so closely while I eat?”

“Maybe it’s because you are eating out of his plate.”

* * *

A school teacher told a class of small pupils the story of the discovery of America by Columbus. After he had finished the story, he said:

“And all this happened more than 400 years ago.”

A little boy, with eyes wide open with wonder, said after a moment’s thought:

“Oh! What a memory you’ve got!”

* * *

“I remember when I was young,” the old gentleman said to little Bobby, “I had to fight for my life against sixteen cannibals, and only one ran away.”

“But,” said Bobby, “last year you told me there were eight cannibals.”

“Yes,” said the old gentleman, “but you were too young then to know the whole horrible truth.”

* * *

“You are five today. Happy birthday to you!”

“Thank you, Mama.”

“Would you like to have a cake with five candles on it for your birthday party?”

“I think I’d better have five cakes and one candle, Mama.”

* * *

“Mother, we’re going to play elephants at the Zoo. Will you help us?”

“What can I do?”

“You can be the lady who gives them nuts and sweets.”

* * *

“Isn’t it wonderful how little chicks get out of their shells?”

“What puzzles me is how they get into them.”

* * *

“How is your little brother, Johnny?”

“He is in bed. He hurt himself.”

“That’s too bad. How did he do it?”

“We were playing who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.”

* * *

“Is your dog clever?”

“Very. When I say to him: come here or don’t come here, just as you please, he comes or he doesn’t come, as he pleases.[83]”

* * *

A father took his young daughter to the cinema. He took a seat in the middle of the hall while his daughter sat down in the front row to join some other children. The film was showing a forest fire which frightened the little girl very much and she came back to take a seat beside her father.

“What’s the matter?” he asked. “Did the fire frighten you?”

“Oh, no!” she answered. “The smoke got in my eyes.”

* * *

“What is the difference between lightning and electricity?”

“Well, you don’t have to pay for lightning.”

* * *

“So, Joe was the life of the party?[84]”

“Oh, yes. He was the only one who could talk louder than the radio.”

* * *

“That letter is too heavy,” said the clerk in the post office, after weighing the letter.

“You’ll have to put another stamp on it.”

“What’s the good of that?” said the boy. “If I put another stamp on it, that will make it still heavier.”

* * *

“It was so cold where we were,” said the Arctic explorer, “that the candle froze and we couldn’t blow it out.”

“That’s nothing,” said another man. “Where we were the words came out of our mouths in pieces of ice, and we fried them to see what we were talking about.”

* * *

“Is it bad luck when a black cat follows you?”

“That depends on whether you are a man or a mouse.”

* * *

An American and a Scotchman were walking near the foot of one of the Scotch mountains. The Scotchman called forth the strongest echo that could ever be heard in that place. When the echo was clearly heard after almost two minutes, the proud Scotchman, turning to the American, exclaimed, “You cannot show anything like that in your country!”

“Why,” said the American, “in my camp in the Rockies,[85] when I go to bed, I just call out, ‘Time to get up; wake up’, and eight hours afterwards the echo comes back and wakes me up.”