Steve Andreas - Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I

• Название: Help with Negative Self–talk Volume I
• Автор: Steve Andreas
• Издательство: Real People Press
• Жанр: Психология
• Год: 2009

Most eating disorders, Alcohol and other substance abuse and addictions, Anxiety and panic disorder, Anger and violence, Depression, Procrastination, Self-confidence & self-esteem issues

...the list goes on and on.

Often the people who suffer from these problems don’t realize that they are caused by inner critics, internalized parents, and other troublesome inner voices because they are so focused on the horrible feelings that result from them. Sometimes this negative self-talk is playing constantly in the background, like a song stuck on repeat!

It is very difficult to directly change an unpleasant emotion, but often quite easy to change an inner voice. When the voice changes, the feelings usually change with it, allowing for a more resourceful response to life's challenges.

By learning how you talk to yourself, you can easily learn new and more helpful ways to do so.

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After one person has done the process, you can switch roles so that you can both experience the process. Many people find that it makes it much easier to attend to their inner experience if they close their eyes.

1. Choose a Voice Think of a troubling voice, and notice your feeling response to what it says… . Notice the location of the voice, and whether it's your own voice or someone else's… . Then set that voice aside temporarily.

2. Remember Voices Recall four resource voices, times when you (or someone else) commented favorably about something that you had just done. Listen to each voice in turn, noticing both the words and the tonality, and how you feel in response to hearing it. If the problem voice is another person's, the resource voices should also be someone else's; if the problem voice is your own voice, the resource voices should also be yours.

3. Arrange Voices Position these voices around your head — leaving a space for the location of the troubling voice — so that you can hear all four voices talking at once. It will be harder to hear the details when they are all talking, but you will still be able to hear the tonalities, and have a sense of the meanings.

4. Bring in the Troubling Voice Allow the troubling voice to return to its location, and listen to all five voices talking at once… .

5. Notice Your Response Notice how your response changes in either intensity or quality, or both… .

6. Test A few minutes later — or longer — you can check to find out how well the change has lasted. Simply recall the troubling voice, and notice your response again. Find out if your response is still different than it was before going through the auditory perspective process. Typically the change will last without doing anything else. Whenever you hear the troubling voice, you will again have the more comfortable feelings that you had when you first heard all five voices together.

When the change resulting from this method doesn't last, usually that indicates that some other outcome is served by continuing to be distressed by the troubling voice. For instance, being upset by the voice could be useful in getting a spouse to assist you in some way, or to avoid some unpleasant task or duty. In that case, you need to find some other way to get assistance, or some other effective behaviors to use to avoid the task. Sometimes that is as simple as learning to say, "Honey, I want some help here," or "No, I don't want to do that," instead of using your bad feelings to influence others around you.

There is nothing special about using four supportive voices; it is a nice number that works well. But you could also use three, or you could use more, and these additional choices might work better for certain people. Using three would make it easier to hear the details of the voices; hearing five or more could strengthen the chorus, even though the details of what they say would be harder to hear.

Next we will explore some additional useful ways of talking to yourself at the beginning of the day, so that you can start your day in a good state. If you start the day well, it is much easier to maintain it in the face of later unpleasant events. That is much easier than starting off badly and then having to work to improve it.

7 Starting the Day [2]

Some people bounce out of bed in the morning, eager to start the day, while others keep hitting the snooze button on their alarm, and then struggle to slowly drag themselves out of bed. The way you start the day is likely to set the pace for the rest of your day. If you start out eager and animated, it will be much easier to maintain that state, despite any difficulties that may occur later. But if you start the day discouraged, or in some other unpleasant mood, then you will have to work yourself out of that state in order to feel better, which is usually much more difficult.

What often makes the difference is what you first say to yourself as you emerge from sleep. You may awaken in response to an alarm clock, or in response to light, or to the sounds of others in the house getting up. As you begin to waken and sense the world around you, what are the first words in your mind? What is the first thing that you said to yourself this morning? …

How about yesterday morning? …

Now check several other recent mornings. What did you say then, and how did it set a tone for the rest of the day? …

Now notice all the tonal qualities of that internal voice — the tone, volume, tempo, hesitations, etc… . 1

If you said something like, "Ohmigod, I have to go to work today," in a discouraging tone, you probably had to work hard to get out of bed and get going, and that attitude is likely to persist during the rest of the day.

On the other hand, if you said something like, "Wow, which of my projects do I get to do first?" in an enthusiastic tone, then getting out of bed was probably very easy, and it would take a really unpleasant event to change your positive attitude.

If you would like to change how you talk to yourself in the morning, there are six simple steps:

1. Desired outcome First, think about how you would like to feel as you start out your day, …

2. Desired self–talk What could you say to yourself, and what tone and tempo of voice you could use to create that? …

3. Identify cues Next notice what you will see, hear, or feel as you first begin to wake up, and then say your sentence to yourself… .

4. Check for objections Notice any objections or feelings of concern that you might have about doing this… .

5. Satisfy objections If you have any objections, identify any problems with either the words that you chose, or the tonality and tempo that you chose. Then adjust what you say to yourself, or how you say it (or both) until any objections or concerns are satisfied. When all aspects of you are satisfied with it, it will be something that you are congruent about wanting, and it should occur spontaneously and dependably… .

6. Rehearse and test Imagine waking up in the future in order to test what you have done. Experience what it will be like tomorrow morning, when you first begin to realize that you are waking up, and notice what happens… .

If your morning sentence occurs automatically, you are done. If it doesn't, you may need to rehearse it several more times just as you begin to wake up to make it automatic, or you might have to back up a few steps and adjust what you say to yourself, or the tonality that you use.

Next, I want to offer you a somewhat more complex way to begin the day, one that can be used to change a wide variety of problems, as well as more positive outcomes.

Behaving ” As i f”

Giorgio Nardone and Claudette Portelli, in their book, Knowing Through Changing (19) use the following instruction as part of their work with clients. It's a very interesting method that can be used to change any problem whatsoever, by installing an internal voice that initiates a daily pattern of thinking and behavior.

During the following weeks, I'd like you to ask yourself this question. Every day, in the morning, question yourself: "What would I do differently today if I no longer had my problem, or if I had recovered from

my problem?" Among all the things that come to your mind, choose the smallest, most minimal but concrete thing, and put it into practice. Every day, choose a small but concrete thing as if you had already overcome your problem, and voluntarily put it into practice. Every day choose something different. (19, p. 73)

Those who would like to develop their ability to model useful communication patterns may wish to pause before reading further, and reread the instruction above, perhaps several times. Then think of a problem that you have, and vividly imagine actually carrying out this instruction every morning over a period of a week or two… .

Then review your experience, and notice how this instruction redirects your attention, and how you respond to that… .

Then use whatever understanding of NLP you have to recognize familiar elements, and think about how the different aspects of this instruction work to initiate and amplify change… .

This instruction is an example of "tasking" or "homework," in which someone is given specific instructions about what to do outside the therapy session, to support a desired change. Many of Milton Erickson's (10) interventions directed clients to do certain things that would change how they experienced their problems. Often these instructions were puzzling and mysterious, and often were delivered within a hypnotic trance in order to amplify their impact, and make sure that they were carried out.

Erickson often talked about making a small change that would begin a "snowball" effect, growing into a much larger and more lasting change. However, this certainly isn't true of all our attempts to change. People often make a small change and it doesn't "snowball" at all. Someone makes some effort, resolution, or decision, and then quickly backslides into their old behavior. What is the difference between a small change that will "snowball" in a useful way, from one that won't? There are many different elements in this instruction that support each other, and that result in a cascade of change.

First, the instruction is oriented toward the client voluntarily doing something different — both the actual small behaviors selected, and also the mental activities required in order to follow the directions — in contrast to passively hoping for some change to come from outside them.

The instruction repeatedly uses an "as if" categorization — that they have recovered from their problem — to create a "make believe" world in which anything can happen, free of the constraints and limitations of the real world. This neutralizes any objections based on judgments that someone might have about the instructions

being "impossible," "unrealistic," "silly," "stupid," etc. Within this "as if" categorization, the concrete behaviors that the person selects (not suggested or imposed from others) become linked with having recovered from the problem.

Since they are told to choose the smallest thing, they will have to think of all the things on their list in order to choose the smallest one. If they had been told to "just pick one thing that would be different," they would not have had to think of all of them. The instruction to choose the smallest thing seems to minimize the task, but it actually makes it more impactful, because it draws their attention to all the things that would be different.

Then when they actually do one of the concrete behaviors, that makes it real, taking it out of the "as if" categorization. Since this real behavior is linked with recovery, that implies that it is equally real that the problem has already been overcome. Usually this will occur entirely outside of their conscious awareness; they will only notice that their lives are going better, or that their depression has lightened somewhat, etc.

When they are asked to choose from "among all the things that come to your mind," that they would do if they had recovered, that presupposes that many things will come to their mind. That directs their attention to the category, "all the things that you would do if you had recovered," and that strengthens each individual thing by associating it with all the others.

Because of the linkage between the specific behaviors and recovery, each example that they think of will direct their attention to what it will be like to have recovered from the problem. That focuses their attention repeatedly on the solution, rather than the problem — and this will be true even if they don't actually do any of the things that they think of.

Another way of describing this is that the client is told to repeatedly think about recovering from the problem every morning, and then to do a specific behavior that validates the implied recovery. Since every morning begins with the implication of having recovered from the problem, that makes it likely that they will also think of it, consciously or unconsciously, at other times throughout the day. This instruction would not be nearly as effective if it were assigned in the evening — unless perhaps there was an explicit suggestion to continue to do it in their dreams while sleeping.

The client is told to choose the "smallest, most minimal" thing to do, in order to make the task appear easy to do, avoiding any residual objection or resistance. However, it really doesn't matter how small the task is, it will still create the connection between the "small thing" done, and recovery. If a smile is an indication of happiness, it doesn't matter how small or brief it is.

Since the client does this over a period of weeks, and each morning they have to choose a different smallest thing that they would do if they had recovered, each

day they will have to choose a somewhat larger thing to do from those remaining ones that they have thought of.

If the client enlarges the list by including additional "smaller" things that would indicate recovery, that means that they will think of the solution even more often as they review this larger category of things in order to choose the "smallest" one. And if they are at all oppositional or rebellious, they may decide to do one of the "larger" things, giving them an opportunity to resist a small element, while still complying with the overall task. If they do a "larger" thing, that will be even better evidence for the implication that they have recovered.

Furthermore, since each morning the client does something different in the category "what I would do if I had recovered," soon there will be a group of things that they have already done that indicate that they have recovered. That group of experiences will become larger and more compelling each day, providing more and stronger evidence for having recovered as time goes by.

Thinking of the actions that indicate recovery and doing one of them each day will also sensitize them to when they do these actions spontaneously during the day. For instance, if smiling or laughing are two of the behaviors, and they find themselves smiling or laughing sometime during the day, they will tend to notice that they have spontaneously smiled or laughed, instead of ignoring it. A spontaneous response is even better evidence that they are recovering than a deliberate action.